The Tale of Sir Snake
by Tobu Ishi
Summary: MGS2 meets Monty Python and the Holy Grail...will the haplessly effeminate Raiden ever escape his wedding to Fortune? Will sweet Otacon survive his not-quite-fatal wound? And will Snake manage a daring rescue in his own personal idiom?


~*~ The Tale of Sir Snake ~*~  
A Metal Gear Solid 2 Crossover  
by Tobu Ishi  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
(The scene is a room on the top floor of Big Shell, with a lovely view of the Big Shell itself. Solidus Snake and Raiden stand inside. Solidus waves his arm expansively at the window.)  
  
Solidus: One day, lad, all this will be yours!   
  
Raiden: What, the curtains?   
  
Solidus: No. Not the curtains, lad. All that you can see, floating here atop the deep blue sea! This'll be your base of operations, lad.   
  
Raiden: But Godmother--   
  
Solidus: Godfather, lad. Godfather.  
  
Raiden: B-- b-- but Godfather, I don't want any of that.   
  
Solidus: Listen, lad. I built this fortress up from nothing. When I started here, all there was, was ocean. Other major leaders said I was daft to build a fortress on the ocean, but I built it all the same, just to show 'em. It sank into the ocean. So, I built a second one. That sank into the ocean. So, I built a third one. That burned down, fell over, then sank into the ocean, but the fourth one... stayed up! And that's what you're gonna get, lad: the strongest fortress in these islands.   
  
Raiden: But I don't want any of that. I'd rather-(gazes off dreamily into the distance)  
  
Solidus: Rather what?!   
  
Raiden: I'd rather... (music begins to swell beneath his words) ...just... dance! (starts to do a cartwheel)   
  
Solidus: Stop that! Stop that! You're not going into a dance while I'm here. Now listen, lad. In twenty minutes, you're getting married to a girl who owns the biggest stashes of weaponry in Alaska.   
  
Raiden: B-- but I don't want weaponry.   
  
Solidus: Listen, Alice--   
  
Raiden: Raiden.   
  
Solidus: Raiden, right. We live in a bloody ocean. We need all the weapons we can get.   
  
Raiden: But-- but I don't like her.   
  
Solidus: Don't like her?! What's wrong with her?! She's beautiful! She's rich! She's got huge...(starts to gesture at his chest, then thinks better of it)...stashes of weaponry!  
  
Raiden: I know, but I want the-- the girl that I marry to have...(music again)...a certain... special... something! (strikes a disco pose)  
  
Solidus: Cut that out! Cut that out! Look, you're marrying Fortune, so you'd better get used to the idea! (smacks him upside the head and strides to the door, where two very familiar men are standing. One has a trickle of blood running from the corner of his mouth.) Ocelot! Vamp! Make sure the Ripper doesn't leave this room until I come and get him.   
  
Ocelot: (nods) Right. Not to leave the room, even if you come and get him.   
  
(Vamp hiccups.)  
  
Solidus: No, no. Until I come and get him.   
  
Ocelot: Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room.   
  
Solidus: No, no. No. You stay in the room and make sure he doesn't leave.   
  
Ocelot: And you'll come and get him.   
  
(Vamp hiccups.)  
  
Solidus: Right.   
  
Ocelot: We don't need to do anything apart from just stop him entering the room.   
  
Solidus: No, no. Leaving the room.   
  
Ocelot: Leaving the room. Yes. (sniffs)  
  
Solidus: All right?   
  
Ocelot: Right.   
  
(Vamp hiccups.)  
  
Solidus: Right.   
  
Ocelot: Oh, if-- if-- if, uhh-- if-- if-- w-- ehh-- i-- if-- if we--   
  
Solidus: Yes? What is it?   
  
Ocelot: Oh, i-- if-- i-- oh--   
  
Solidus: Look, it's quite simple.   
  
Ocelot: Uh...   
  
Solidus: You just stay here and make sure Girly-boy doesn't leave the room. All right?   
  
(Vamp hiccups.)  
  
Solidus: Right.   
  
Ocelot: Oh, I remember. Uhh, can he leave the room with us?   
  
Solidus: N-- no no. No. You just keep him in here and make sure he--   
  
Ocelot: Oh, yes. We'll keep him in here, obviously, but if he had to leave and we were with him--   
  
Solidus: No, no, no, no. Just keep him in here--   
  
Ocelot: Until you or anyone else--   
  
Solidus: No, not anyone else. Just me.  
  
Ocelot: Just you...  
  
(Vamp hiccups.)  
  
Solidus: Get back.   
  
Ocelot: Get back.   
  
Solidus: All right?   
  
Ocelot: Right. We'll stay here until you get back.   
  
(Vamp hiccups.)   
  
Solidus: And, uh, make sure he doesn't leave.   
  
Ocelot: What?   
  
Solidus: Make sure Girly-boy doesn't leave.  
  
Ocelot: The Ripper?  
  
Solidus: Yes! Make sure Raiden doesn't leave!  
  
Ocelot: Oh, yes, of course.   
  
(Vamp hiccups.)   
  
Ocelot: Ah. I thought you meant him. You know, it seemed a bit daft me havin' to Guard him when he's a Guard.   
  
Solidus: Yes, yes. Is that clear?   
  
(Vamp hiccups.)   
  
Ocelot: (nods enthusiastically) Oh, quite clear. No problems.   
  
Solidus: Right. (starts to leave; both Vamp and Ocelot start to follow him) Where are you going?   
  
Ocelot: We're coming with you.   
  
Solidus: No, no. I want you to stay here and make sure my godson doesn't leave.   
  
Ocelot: Oh, I see. Right.   
  
Raiden: But Godfather!   
  
Solidus: Shut your noise, you! And get that suit on! (As he turns to leave, Raiden gazes toward the window, raising a hand dramatically. Music swells...) And no dancing! (Music fades)  
  
(Vamp hiccups.)   
  
Solidus: Oh, go and get a glass of blood already. (turns and stomps out the door)  
  
(Ocelot and Vamp stand there, Vamp staring at nothing, Ocelot grinning cheerily at Raiden. Raiden glances around, then steps furtively over to a table, and picks up a pen and a piece of paper, scribbles something on the paper and folds it, all the while smiling stiffly back at his guards, who smile happily, stupidly back at him. Sneaking over to the window, Raiden picks up an M-9 lying conveniently on the table, holds up the note in front of the barrel, spins and fires it out the window, letting the dart pierce the note and carry it swiftly away. Then he turns back to the room, sets down the M-9, and smiles again. And Ocelot and Vamp, true to form, continue to smile back...)  
  
(Meanwhile, in the ocean below, Snake and Otacon are riding along the waves in a small motor boat. Otacon is at the wheel. They fly over a wave with a bump.)  
  
Snake: Well taken, Otacon!   
  
Otacon: Thank you, Snake! Most kind.   
  
Snake: And again! Over we go! Good. Steady! And now, the big one! Uuh! Come on, Otacon!  
  
(As they fly over this newest wave, something flies out of the sky and thwacks into Otacon's chest, pinning a note to him.)  
  
Otacon: Message for you, Snake. (keels over)  
  
Snake: Otacon! Otacon! Speak to me! (quickly stops the boat, then plucks the dart from Otacon's chest, unfolds the note and reads it aloud) 'To whoever finds this note: I have been imprisoned by my godfather, who wishes me to marry against my will. Please, please, please come and rescue me. I am on the top floor of Big Shell.' (drops the note with an uplifted expression) At last! A call! A cry of distress! This could be the sign that leads us to the Patriots! Brave, brave Otacon, you shall not have died in vain!   
  
Otacon: Uh, I'm-- I'm not quite dead, Snake.   
  
Snake: Well, you shall not have been mortally wounded in vain!   
  
Otacon: I-- I-- I think I c-- I could pull through, Snake. It-- was just an M-9 dart.  
  
Snake: Oh, I see.   
  
Otacon: Actually, I think I'm all right to come with you--   
  
Snake: (yanking on his diving suit) No, no, sweet Otacon! Stay here! I will send help as soon as I have accomplished a daring and heroic rescue in my own particular...um... (thinks for a minute, sighs in frustration)  
  
Otacon: Idiom, Snake?   
  
Snake: (pleased) Yes! Idiom!   
  
Otacon: (sits up) No, I feel fine, actually, Snake.   
  
Snake: Farewell, sweet Otacon! (dives dramatically over the side of the boat with a mighty splash...then resurfaces a few feet away, dog-paddling slowly and steadily toward the Big Shell station in the distance.)  
  
Otacon   
I'll, um-- I'll just stay here, then. Shall I? Yeah.   
  
(And, back at Big Shell, Fortune is still preparing for her wedding, while, outside, guests are beginning to arrive.)  
  
(In a secret underwater entrance, two guards, one of them in a kilt for some inexplicable reason, are welcoming guests.)  
  
Mysterious Patriot Guest: 'Morning!   
  
Kilt-wearing Guard: 'Morning.   
  
Regular Guard: (Peering into the water.) Ummm...do you see somethi-  
  
(Snake bursts out of the water, firing his gun like a maniac and making loud, courageous shouting noises.)  
  
Kilt-wearing Guard: (gets shot) Argh!  
  
Snake: Ha ha! Hiyya!   
  
Regular Guard: Hey! (gets shot as well, keels over)  
  
Snake: (runs past their bodies, still shooting and shouting) Hiyya!, Ha!, etc.   
  
(Inside is Fortune, dressed in a long white gown and chatting to the various ominous-looking guests that fill the big auditorium-type-place where Snake had to sneak past all the soldiers' backs in the game. The whole place is now festooned with flowers and white crepe...but still full of guards.)  
  
Snake: Ha ha! Huy! (opens fire)  
  
Various Spooky Patriot Guests and Guards: Uuh! Aaah! (die)  
  
Snake: Ha ha! And take this! Aah! Hiyah! Aah! Aaah! Hyy! Hya! Hiyya! Ha! (runs through the mass of dead and dying bodies and up the stairs to Raiden's tower room.)  
  
Vamp: Now, you're not allowed to enter the room-(Snake shoots him in the forehead) Aaugh! (keels over as well...for now, anyway. -_-* )  
  
Snake: (bows deeply before a startled-looking Raiden) O fair one, behold your humble servant, Snake of Philanthropy. I have come to take y-(glances up and realizes he's talking to a guy; quickly straightens up again, looking sheepish) Oh, I'm terribly sorry.   
  
Raiden: (delighted) You got my note!   
  
Snake: Uh, well, I-- I got a-- a note.   
  
Raiden: (clasps his hands with joy) You've come to rescue me!   
  
Snake: (looking a bit ill) Uh, well, no. You see, I hadn't--   
  
Raiden: (dreamily) I knew someone would. I knew that somewhere out there... (music begins to swell again)  
  
Snake: Well, I--   
  
Raiden: (still talking dreamily over the music) ...there must be... someone...   
  
(Solidus bursts in, scowling.)  
  
Solidus: Stop that! Stop that! Stop it! Stop it! (spots Snake) Who are you?   
  
Raiden: (shocked) I'm your godson!   
  
Solidus: No, not you.   
  
Snake: Uh, I'm Solid Snake...  
  
Raiden: He's come to rescue me, Godfather!   
  
Snake: (quickly) Well, let's not jump to conclusions.   
  
Solidus: Did you kill all those guards?   
  
Snake: (sheepish) Uh... Oh, yes. Sorry.   
  
Solidus: (outraged) They cost fifty bucks each!   
  
Snake: Well, I'm awfully sorry. Um, I really can explain everything.   
  
Raiden: (goes to the window) Don't be afraid of him, Snake. I've got a rope all ready. (comes up with a bunch of sheets tied together, and begins tying the end of it to the bedpost.)  
  
Solidus: (still ticked) You killed eight wedding guests in all!   
  
Snake: Well, uh, you see, the thing is, I thought your godson was a lady.   
  
Solidus: (grimaces) I can understand that.   
  
Raiden: (tosses the end of the sheet rope out the window) Hurry, Snake! Hurry!   
  
Solidus: (to Raiden) Shut up! (to Snake) You only killed the bride's father, that's all!   
  
Snake: Well, I really didn't mean to...   
  
Solidus: Didn't mean to?! You put a bullet right through his head!   
  
Snake: (awkwardly) Oh, dear. Is...he all right?   
  
Solidus: (still ranting) You even kicked the bride in the chest! This is going to cost me a fortune!   
  
Snake: Well, I can explain. I was out on the ocean, um, on a day trip with my partner from Philanthropy, when I got this note, you see--   
  
Solidus: (sudden change of tone) Philanthropy? Are you from, uh, Philanthropy?   
  
Raiden: (climbs out the window, holding onto the rope) Hurry, Snake!   
  
Snake: Uh, I am one of the founding members, yes.   
  
Solidus: (nervous) Oh, a very nice organization, Philanthropy. Uh, lots of, um, private support, I believe.   
  
Snake: You've heard of it?   
  
Raiden: (out of sight out the window, still shouting) Hurry! I'm ready!   
  
Solidus: (stalling) Would you, uh, like to come and have a drink?   
  
Snake: Well, that-- that's, uh, awfully nice of you,...   
  
Raiden: (still squalling from outside the window) I am ready!   
  
Snake: ...um, I mean to be so understanding. (Solidus pulls out a boot knife, strides over to the bed and neatly severs the rope.) Um... (The rope flies instantly out the window under Raiden's weight.)  
  
Raiden: (in startled alarm) Oooh!   
  
Snake: (heading out the door, chatting) ...I'm afraid when I'm in this idiom, I sometimes get a bit, uh, sort of carried away.   
  
Solidus: Oh, don't worry about that.   
  
Raiden: (far, far below) Oooh!  
  
(Splat.)  
  
(And, back in the big audience hall...)  
  
Various Spooky Patriot Guests and Guards: (arguing, shouting, and/or bawling like babies)  
  
Solidus: (walking in with Snake) Well, this is the main hall. We're going to have all this knocked through and made into one big, uh, living room.   
  
Random Guard: (points) There he is!   
  
Solidus: Oh, bloody hell.   
  
(The guards pull out firearms and begin firing on Snake, who leaps eagerly forward into the fray.)  
  
Snake: (firing like a nutcase) Ha ha ha! Hey! Ha ha!   
  
Solidus: (runs forward and grabs Snake by the arms, hauling him backward) Hold it! Stop it! Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! Please!   
  
Snake: (embarrassed) Sorry. Sorry. You see what I mean? I just get carried away. I'm really most awfully sorry. Sorry! Sorry, everyone.   
  
Random Spooky Patriot Guest: He's killed the best Man!   
  
(The rest of the guests and guards begin to yell angrily at this revelation.)  
  
Solidus: Hold it! Hold it! Please! Hold it! (Reluctantly, the crowd quiets. Solidus waves a hand at Snake) This is Snake from the Philanthropy organizatoin, a very brave and influential agent, and my special guest here today.   
  
Snake: Hello.   
  
Another Random Patriot Guest: He killed my auntie!   
  
(The guests begin to shout and yammer again.)  
  
Solidus: (waves arms) Please! Please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion! Let's not bicker and argue about who killed who. We are here today to witness the union of two young people in the joyful bond of the holy wedlock. (pauses) Unfortunately, one of them, my son Raiden, has just fallen to his death.   
  
Various Guests and Guards: Oh! Oh, no! etc.  
  
Solidus: (smiles warmly) But I don't want to think I've not lost a godson, so much as... gained a daughter! (The guests applaud appreciatively.) For, since the tragic death of her father--   
  
Random Guard: He's not quite dead!   
  
Solidus: Since the near fatal wounding of her father--   
  
Random Guard: He's getting better!   
  
Solidus: For, since her own father, who, when he seemed about to recover, suddenly felt the icy hand of death upon him...  
  
Fortune's Father: Uugh!   
  
Random Guard: Oh, he's died!   
  
Solidus: (smiles benevolently) ...I want his only daughter to look upon me as her own dad, in a very real and legally binding sense. (Once again, the guests applaud.) And I feel sure that the merger-- er, the union between my new daughter Fortune and the brave, but dangerous, Snake of Philanthropy--   
  
Snake: What?!  
  
Random Spooky Patriot Guest: (points to the door) Look! The dead godson!   
  
Various Guests and Guards: Oooh! Solidus's dead godson!   
  
(True enough, a soaking wet but quite alive Raiden has just walked through the door, accompanied by a grinning Otacon.)  
  
Otacon: He's not quite dead.   
  
Raiden: No, I feel much better.   
  
Solidus: (furious) You fell out of the top floor window, you creep!   
  
Raiden: No, I was saved at the last minute.   
  
Solidus: How?!?!!  
  
Raiden: (smiles, strikes a dancing pose) Well, I'll tell you. (the music swells again)  
  
Solidus: (frantic) Not like that! Not like that! No! Stop it!   
  
Various Guests and Guards: (dancing in a circle around Raiden) He's going to tell! He's going to tell!...   
  
Solidus: Shut uuup!   
  
VGAG: (still dancing merrily about) He's going to tell!...   
  
Solidus: Shut up!   
  
VGAG: He's going to tell!...   
  
Solidus: (tearing at his hair) Not like that!   
  
VGAG: (dancing) He's going to tell! He's going to tell! He's going to tell! He's going to tell!...   
  
Otacon: (shouting and beckoning over the heads of the crowd) Quickly, Snake! Come this way!   
  
Snake: (shouting back) No! It's not right for my idiom! I must escape more... (thinks for a moment, sighs)  
  
Guards: (singing) Oh, he fell a long, long way,...   
  
Otacon: Dramatically, Snake?   
  
Snake: Yes! Dramatically!   
  
Spooky Patriot Guests: (singing) But he's here with us today...   
  
(Not willing to wait any longer for Otacon to think up a dramatic exit for him, Snake leaps from the staircase, catching a streamer of white crepe and swinging...)  
  
Snake: Heehee! Ho! (...straight into the wall with a crash.) Hoo!   
  
Various Guests and Guards: (singing happily as Raiden starts a breakdance solo) What a wonderful escape!   
  
Snake: (swinging back and forth uselessly above the crowd) Excuse me. Could, uh-- could somebody give me a push, please?   
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
(AN- Well, that's it. Crazy, stupid, and (hopefully) pretty darn funny. Hope you like it: I did my best. Monty Python and MGS2 actually mesh surprisingly well... ^_^ -tobu ishi)  
ps- If you did like it, do the right thing: review! ^_^ 


End file.
